When blending their religion with psychology, they either become heretical or enlightened. You can be the judge of which is the case here as we look at what Attachment Theory and Spiritual Formation may illuminate about Confession.
A basic yearning of man is to genuinely love and be loved, implying knowing another intimately and being known intimately. Often, shame makes us divide Loving and Knowing, forcing us to choose between being "loved" superficially for the self we project, or being shunned for being deeply known - we chose between being loved or being known, for shame drives us away from believing we can be both. Attachment Theory adds a bit by noting that most coping mechanisms/addictions are ways we medicate our lack of secure attachment to others. We medicate the shame, which then causes more shame, leading to more isolation and less connection. Whether food, shopping, work, porn, alcohol or exercise, we can make any of them our coping candy we turn to when dealing with difficult feelings.
Since shame often follows something we consider sinful action, a common practice for removing the shame in our lives is to get an accountability partner to help us stop sinning. This seems to be the Protestant version of Catholic Confession: we share what we did wrong with another person who then often gives advice on how to not sin again, or else prescribes a punishment so that we may somehow become right with God again. Is this what St. Paul meant in his writings about confession? I think it misses the mark in a few areas.
A basic yearning of man is to genuinely love and be loved, implying knowing another intimately and being known intimately. Often, shame makes us divide Loving and Knowing, forcing us to choose between being "loved" superficially for the self we project, or being shunned for being deeply known - we chose between being loved or being known, for shame drives us away from believing we can be both. Attachment Theory adds a bit by noting that most coping mechanisms/addictions are ways we medicate our lack of secure attachment to others. We medicate the shame, which then causes more shame, leading to more isolation and less connection. Whether food, shopping, work, porn, alcohol or exercise, we can make any of them our coping candy we turn to when dealing with difficult feelings.
Since shame often follows something we consider sinful action, a common practice for removing the shame in our lives is to get an accountability partner to help us stop sinning. This seems to be the Protestant version of Catholic Confession: we share what we did wrong with another person who then often gives advice on how to not sin again, or else prescribes a punishment so that we may somehow become right with God again. Is this what St. Paul meant in his writings about confession? I think it misses the mark in a few areas.
Repentance
Metanoia is the Greek from which we get Repentance in the Bible, and it more accurately means "Afterthought" than "turn a 180". The Hebrew words which are translated to Repent contain either a feeling of sorrow or a return to something prior. In fact, God Himself "repented" in a few Old Testament cases, yet we wouldn't go so far to say He sinned then, upon grieving, did a 180 to sin no more. It seems Repentance is more about being able to reflect honestly about what we did and the impacts, and then, if the natural response is to feel grief, so be it. If we simply decide "That wasn't healthy, I'm going to be more deliberate about avoiding that in the future", then that could be repentance too - it need not be emotionally dramatic.
Silence is the sound of Love
Listening
To help nurture such Repentance, it helps to have someone we can talk to who will Love and Accept us for who we are. Counselors who follow an Attachment model (and other models) often make for such a person who will, for the most part, just listen. They don't kick us out of their office for something we're ashamed of, but, because they're a paid professional, they may not genuinely love us either. A friend who is partnered with to provide such an ear may better love us, but may also judge us if the terms of our partnership is more about being Accountability Partners. We'll get checked-in on by them and asked how we're doing with all the candy we like to eat, and if we admit to eating candy, we may get some harsh words.....or perhaps encouraging words. A friend skilled in Active Listening might ask more questions about how we were feeling leading up to the candy binge, and what events caused those feelings. Such a friend is, in my view, practicing the white magic of Christianity: Listening well, thanking you for sharing honestly, then being quiet. No condemnation, no advice, no prescription, just listening well.
Confession
When St James, Paul and John urge Christians to confess to one another, they seem to wrap their words about confession with being forgiven and prayed for, not condemned or corrected. It seems to follow Christ's model of listening to the Women at the Well, or forgiving the woman caught in adultery and ending with the words "Go and sin no more." - simple listening, forgiving and encouraging. Perhaps a Christian's call to regular Confession is less about reliving the sin we're ashamed of, but more about talking it through with someone who will genuinely listen actively so that we may be known, and who can and will still love us afterwards. If we offer this ear and heart to those around us, what kind of world would it make? We'd be meeting the deepest yearning of our brothers and sisters. And how would it transform us to have friends like this in our lives? We'd feel connected, safe and secure in such relationships. In such a state, we'd be less driven to cope since there would be less pain to medicate. Simply being known and loved is what transforms us into saints - not strict adherence to a moral code.
Connection brings Protection
Behavior vs Character
Whether secular or religious, Recovery Groups like AA often encourage members to track their feelings and then call someone when they're tempted to lose their sobriety. This might be a good way to modify behavior, but how likely is one to actually make this phone call? I'm feeling stressed or depressed, and want to eat candy, I'm not going to call someone who will:- Talk me off the ledge from doing what I know will make me feel so good
- Chastise me for being weak and wanting candy in the first place (take my dignity)
- Meddle in my life to help reduce access to candy (take my agency)
Instead, I'm going to do the thing I know will feel good, then maybe "repent" later. But, what if the nature and motive of the phone were more like Confession? The "HALT" acronym is common in recovery circles: We're likely to relapse if we get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Loneliness in particular is a symptom of isolation, and shame isolates us. What if the phone call was merely to practice Self Care as we nurture our relationships, thereby reducing our sense of Loneliness, and thereby reducing our sense of need to cope/medicate with candy? If the motive of a phone call was more about our redefined Confession, we may find ourselves on a trend away from coping/sinning.
One who wants to sin but sets up enough guardrails not to may establish good behavior, but will have to live the torment of temptation and unmet need. However, one who nurtures his relationships with those who can actively listen, and thereby know and love him may find that his needs are being met, and that the temptation to sin becomes very weak. This second person will likely end up with Good Behavior as the fruit of Good Character, and enjoy life more than the first who, with clever planning and strict rule following, steals his own freedom for the wax "fruit" or Behavior alone. If this is true, then Good Character and Self Care go together - Loving our Neighbor as our own Selves becomes more a call to love ourselves as though we were someone we were responsible for caring for - watching the four HALT gauges as we go about our day, then feeding ourself, putting in timeouts when we need space from others, and down for naps when we're tired. And lastly, deliberately connect with others in something akin to classic Confession and Accountability, but in a way where we are not just known, but also loved.
